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June, 2008

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Just did it

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So today was…. eventful, I should say. I got out of bed quite late actually, compared to the last few days anyway. Sat down with my computer, noticed I had a nice comment on my last post. I don’t get many comments on my posts, so the few I get really does make me happy. So, basically tending my slight headache that I woke up with and pondering wether or not to go into the apartment to get something done, I was sitting in front of the computer not really doing anything for quite a while. Then suddenly, she came online – as I didn’t expect as she was moving today and had told me she didn’t know how she would be able to set up. Happy? You betcha!

So we chatted for quite a while, about her new home (well basically her old one, really), the apartment, my ability to be dominant or an authority figure, her ability to stand on her own legs, music (as always, today we talked about Nine Inch Nails for a bit though), ventilation systems and general everything and nothing. Then I went to my folks’ place for dinner with my other girlfriend. We had quite a nice time actually, I was discussing some future business ideas my father had with him, she was getting ready to stop smoking with a system called Dr. Kimo. My mom told her I was applying for a new name, which she didn’t know about. I think my parents found it weird I hadn’t discussed it with the woman I lived with.

On our way back home, she asked me in the car how I felt about us. I answered I felt it wasn’t going well, and that in fact I thought we should split up. I knew she didn’t expect that answer, and obviously this led to a long discussion when we got back home. I explained to her how I really love her, because she has been a huge part of my life for a long time, but that I am not in love with her anymore. I told her about my mixed feelings when she’s been trying to have sex lately, and that I felt it wrong. And we discussed my current ailment for a bit, and I assured her this wasn’t a result of that. Actually, I am feeling quite a lot better lately, although not entirely ready to say I’m all good again.

Then she suddenly asked me if I had met someone else. I couldn’t lie, in fact even the thought of my new love made me smile. And even though we haven’t really met yet, I answered yes – because I know what she wanted to know was if I had fallen in love with another woman, not if I had actually met one. And I am in love with another woman. She didn’t seem surprised at all, even though she said she was. So she asked for more details. I burst out laughing as she asked “Is it another man?” and I assured her it was another woman. She asked me who it was, and I answered that I wasn’t sure she would believe it if I told her. She persisted and I disclosed the fact that she doesn’t even live in this country. A smart girl put two and two together in a matter of nano seconds, I suggested she might have known, and she said she had no clue. 

Within seconds she admitted to have fallen in love with another man, and told me she had buried the feelings a few days before my last breakup attempt some 4 weeks ago. It turns out it was a guy I know, and the funniest feeling arose in me – I was so happy for her, because he is such a nice guy, and I am sure he would treat her right. Anyway, I hope she decides to dig those feelings back up and pursue them, given a little time.

We went back to my parents’ place for a while and discussed our situation with them. They were astonished when they learned who I have fallen in love with, and my father knew I have been talking with her for years. He even assured me if I had really decided I would go for it, then it could work. All in all I think this was most important for my ex-girlfriend, as she learned she still had friends in my parents, and we all had a good long talk about the situation we find ourselves in. I think she needed a little help to get some perspective in things. 

She asked me to stay home for one last night, she just needed a good friend to be close to. And I hope we can still be close friends even after this – futile maybe, still I’m the naive guy thinking it could work. We went home, had a long talk about tomorrow. She called up her mother and ordered some plane tickets, so she’ll be staying with her mom for a week. We discussed how to share our belongings. And we were both trying to make things work out as best we can.

She asked me if I had told my newfound love yet. “No,” I answered – I hadn’t, although I did send her an IM as it was beginning to unfold that I thought we were about to break up – and then my ex said the most fantastic thing.

I hope you will be able to make it work with her. Not that I care about her, I don’t even know her. But I really want the best for you.

I guess the guy who ends up with her should count himself the luckiest guy in the world. I know I am for her still wanting the best for me. I hope we will make it work, although it might look hard. I try to hear the benefits rather than listening to the cost, though. I hope she does too.

Yesterday I said the solution was simple, to just do it. Today I just did it. I am already excited about tomorrow.

Everybody needs somebody to love

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Well, now it looks a lot better on the outside. I got most the rubbish in bags and on the trailer, so it’ll be easy to drive it away on Monday. My friend who helped me with the floors in the apartment yesterday came over and we check the floors, which were really looking good. I guess I’ll be able to start with the tiles tomorrow maybe. So my goal is to be done with the floors by Thursday, and to try and get the kitchen and bathroom furniture in this during the weekend.

So since 4-ish I’ve been chatting online. I’ve had a short break for having my dinner, and one as I took a shower. Well, brake from the chatting anyway, she was still with me. Today we even introduced the element of sexuality to our online adventure! And… well… it was a bit weird to both of us I think, and at the same time… not? Hard to explain this even to myself. Anyway, later this evening some stuff came up that made me start thinking quite a lot again. Because obviously, there are two women in my life right now (and no, I’m not referring to my mother as one of the two). One whom I am very fond of, we have a life together, well, sort of anyway. And there is now more than six years of history behind us. Of course I want only the best in life for her. 

Then there is the girl I spend literally hours upon hours thinking about every day, the girl I have fallen madly in love with for the last couple of months. And there is more than five years of history behind us as well. Not do I only want the best in life for her, I only want her in life, period.

How do you tell someone who loves you that you love someone else? 

I even decided to stop my current relationship before falling in love again. Bad timing? I guess so. Still, I can’t help it – I am not in control of these feelings. It’s not like I decided for it to be like this. And does it really matter? Will the course of humanity change because I realize I have met a person I would rather spend my life tomorrow with than the one I’m spending it with today? 

I know all odds are against us if we try. She lives so far away, I have never travelled that far. She will be moving to a new country of which she doesn’t know the language and customs to study. Closer yes, still quite far away. Internet will be our main source of contact. Obviously the phone will be equally important. She will have demanding studies. I have a demanding job, or hopefully at least I will be working at the time. My current financial situation won’t allow me to travel much, especially abroad. The Vertebrae Tour will enter the town she will be studying in in December, only to go to another country the very next day. Hardly something that allows time for bonding.

I can’t wait to meet her, know the feel of her touch, the smell of her hair, the taste of her lips. I long for her. I have no words to describe this feeling, and although I recognize it I can’t remember ever feeling this strongly about anyone.

If only there was an easy way to fix this. There isn’t. The solution is simple. As Nike would say

- Just do it.

When I woke up this morning

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As is the new routine, every other day I wake up at 4 a.m. for no particular reason. This morning was no exception. I checked my emails, Krakow’s Myspace, and of course the Instant Messaging thing. Nothing interesting in any of them. Well not quite true, I was impressed with the number of plays on Myspace, which has been at an all time high lately. Just shows that the band is definitely going somewhere, if you ask me. Anyway, I went back to bed, closed my eyes and dreamed of her before falling asleep again.

I got out of bed sometime close to 9 a.m. for the first time in weeks I think. Obviously the first thing I did was to turn on the computer and check my emails. She was online, so we chatted for a bit. She’s about to move, and so had a lot of stuff to pack and such. I had some errands to run myself, that wasn’t really pressing in any way, was kinda nice to get them done early though and have the afternoon off. So after 20 minutes or something we agreed to talk later, and I went off and did my stuff. Just got back home, and the weather is so nice I really don’t wanna stay inside too much. I think I’ll take advantage of the fact that everybody else is sleeping around here to get some work done on the outside, like throwing away all the stuff that’s been piling up with the redoing of the cellar. There’s so much crap, you wouldn’t believe it!

Strikes me as I’m writing this that I’ve been writing longer and longer posts lately. Maybe I’m kind of getting the hang of this blogging thing after all. I remember Jim Rohn going on about how I should keep a journal. Write down my ideas and such. I guess this blog is my journal, I never managed to write much in the book I got from him. Although I did write some stuff down, some of my thoughts from years back. Maybe I’ll post that here some day, like I did with my old poems. Seems about fair, doesn’t it?

The Best Friend Calls

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It is sent! My application to officially change my name is now on its way to the proper officials. At the total costs of 3,50 kroner for an envelope and 11 kroner for stamps. And a quick stop by the local government office, to have them copy the marriage certificate for me, and confirm the address I should use. I think I spent an hour and a half getting ready to go do these small errands, and it really wasn’t so bad when I think of it. I mean, why should it be? Actually it was kind of nice, the people I met were all so glad today. 

Anyway, during my visit to the book shop where I got the envelope, my best friend called me up and asked me how I was doing. We laughed a bit over the whole one and a half hour thing, it really is stupid. He pointed out that it sounded like I’m going crazy, which I agreed upon, and we both laughed. Hopefully there is some truth to the saying that cray people don’t know they are. 

I can’t remember exactly what led up to it, but suddenly we were discussing my love life. I told him how things were going, and what decision I had reached, and disclosed the fact that I got an email that totally turned my life upside down yesterday. At first he laughed, more a reaction out of surprise than anything else I think. Then he encouraged me to go for it. I must agree, it does feel like the right thing to do, and my best friend encouraging me to do so really does make me feel good about the whole thing.

After this, we talked a bit about Krakow’s upcoming tour with Enslaved. I’ve been worrying about letting the band know; I’m considering dropping the tour for myself, with regards to the current health situation. Also, it would be easier for the band to pull it off financially when we have one less person to worry about. Well, I was positively shocked to learn he agreed totally, and was so understanding. We discussed the future plans for the band, ideas for the 2009 World Tour, and other related matters.

Then I told him I had to go, I had some things to do in the apartment and a deadline at 4 p.m. as I had a date on the internet then. He laughed, then asked me something that strangely I was kind of put off by.

Is it like nude chatting?

At first I went mute, then mumbled for a bit, before finally responding something like “No, no, there’s not much nudity…”

Why did I get put off by this question? No, we don’t chat nude. Yes, I have been nude on cam. I guess it is the whole aspect of explaining the non-sexual nature and the idea of having to justify my actions that made me fumble a bit with the answer. Anyway, it did make me think for a bit. Well, made me think quite a lot, really. Ha ha, I guess the joke was on me!

When pure gibberish makes sense

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I got the most amazing email I think I’ve ever got today. She didn’t exactly promise to send it, though it was kind of an understanding that she would send one – though I expected nothing like this.

Let’s backtrack for a minute. We did chat a bit earlier today. Lots of things going on on my side, lots of things going on on her side. Bottom line is though we did talk for quite a while really, it was substantially less than usual. Her tone was different today, I got a sensation she was opening up, being totally honest with me, even not saying anything close to what I heard, I still heard it. I guess I do as the japanese do, by paying attention to what is not said. I guess that is why I was so happy with the email I got as well, because I read so much between the lines…. So anyway, I had so much to do in the apartment that she practically shoved me out the door to get it done – thank you – and off I went.

By now, I expected her to be offline when I got back, and some kind of email with a story waiting for me.

Later, I stopped by the computer for a minute to check my email. It seemed as if nothing was there. I checked my instant messaging client, with still no sign of her. “No wonder,” I thought, “She must be in bed by now.” The time difference really makes it complicated trying to coordinate our communication. Disappointed, I left the computer and went back to the apartment to do more work there. When it got too dark to continue, and honestly I felt quite exhausted at the time (right now I can’t wait to finish what I started), I went back inside and sat down in front of the computer. No music. No nothing.

There was an email. The subject read “something about nothing”. In hindsight, I dare say nothing could be further from the truth. It turned out to be everything about something quite important. With joyful anticipation I opened the email, surprised to discover it only held two sentences.

hope you can recognize what i scribbled….

god natt! 

And attached I find four images. Now, I had asked her to send me an image, something I really didn’t expect her to do. But scribbled? I open the first file, and can’t help but grinning widely. She actually wrote me a letter, scanned it, and emailed it to me. As so nicely put in the letter, “This email is some sort of story (writing) and a pic at the same time. WOW!”

So I go on reading the four pages, the scribbling proved quite easy to understand, although the meaning of the words demanded time. The letter to an extent described exactly how I feel. So I guess we do feel the same after all. And it makes me so happy I can’t begin to describe it. At the same time, this is sort of the confirmation I’ve been dreading, which practically demands of me to take action on another matter where I’ve put off the decision-making process deliberately. Well, in fact the decision was made some weeks ago, and almost put to effect – it collapsed with me though, a complete breakdown really makes it difficult to decide or take action on anything. Sure, there are still a lot of details that needs to be tended to. Sure, it seems almost an impossible undertaking. And the combination of my psychic and financial situation sure as hell isn’t helping at all. Still, to me it seems the only way to go, the path laid out by heart, passion and desire. 

And I know you will read this.

Still, as painful as the forthcoming process might be, in a strange way I am looking forward to getting it done. It’s not like I haven’t expected this situation to arise. I just hoped it wouldn’t yet. I know she has to go through much the same. 

excerpt letter When pure gibberish makes sense

I hope she does tomorrow, as it would be an awesome way to start the day. And if the letter truly was gibberish, and the sense it made for me was senseless – I have no words. Oh, by the way – hello Lizzy!

Wicking Industries Inc.

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Picked up some stuff I needed before putting the tiles down in the apartment today. So now I’ve just finished cleaning out the place, got all the garbage out, and I’ve good a good shot at getting the floors ready for the next step this evening. Regretfully, it means I’ll have to stay away from my computer, which I kind of don’t want to for several reasons. Luckily I got to have a quick chat with her between getting the stuff for the floors and tidying up the place, it would be so strange not to talk to her for a whole day…. I mean, not like that has never happened, I just can’t remember the last time it did. Probably around April or some day in May perhaps.

My mom texted me about the certificate arriving from England today! I’m so excited, this means I can post the application tomorrow with all the necessary documentation, they’ll get it on Monday or maybe Tuesday at the latest, and then add another 3-4 weeks for processing… and voila! Paul Wicking it is.

I’ve outlined the whole of Wicking Industries Incorporated (or Wii for short – clever, huh?) in my mind today. It should consist of each industry I’m involved in today, so a possible outline could be something like:

  • Music Industry
    • Wicking Music Management
    • Wicking Visual Effects
  • Real Estate
    • Wicking Realty Rentals
  • Internet
    • Wicking Web Industries
      • Web design
      • Web Marketing
      • Search Engine Optimization
  • Other businesses
    • Arken Multimedia

Just a sketch of course, still a possible outline I think. I must admit it does make me feel closer to being on top of the World again. As soon as the wicking.com thing falls into place, I’ll make sure to design the ultimate corporate looking website for it, fronting Wicking Industries Inc.

Also, I informed my father that I would start working on a new website for his company, EFT Norge. Of course, my main focus the next couple of weeks will be getting the apartment ready, to have it let out will be a major weight off my shoulders. I must say I’ve quite taken to web design again though, as I’ve been at home the last week. It fills my free time, it challenges my creativity, and I can see step-by-step results from what I do. Feels good really. The only thing is I should have a bigger monitor than what I’ve got on my laptop while working like this, so I’ve been looking at the 24″ Apple iMac. It’s not too steeply priced, it’s got an excellent size, and it’s still a Mac. And it shouldn’t take more than the design of another site or two to justify the investment in one. We’ll see.

Oh, and I finally decided on a design for the Official Krakow Website. Remember Krakow, the Norwegian metal band? Yeah, I run their website as well. Anyway, today I finally drew up what looked like a friggin’ good idea to me, even though I think it is hard to convert the idea to a working website. Can’t wait to get started on it!

What am I to the Penhaligon trilogy?

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The last couple of days have really been good. Yesterday I discovered my old website from like 1999 still exist  which is where I got all the poems from in such a jiffy. I emailed the ISP hosting the site trying to claim ownership of it, I mean, I can’t even imagine what the username/password is for that site. Anyway, I hope they are able to cross-reference my address and name etc.

With regards to name, I also got good news yesterday. My mom was in touch with the parish my great-grandmother used to belong to, and they were going to send the marriage certificate by post. So now I finally have some documentation that the name Wicking indeed is connected to yours truly. Well, at least I will have in a couple of days when the joint venture of the Royal Mail and Posten Norge bears fruits.

Today started off great, I spent a great deal of time rediscovering the Norwegian band Motorpsycho. The last few days I’ve been adding my CD collection to my iTunes library, and yesterday my Motorpsycho collection was done. So today I have spent a lot of time just listening. It’s great when you’re able to rediscover music, especially when it is music of such esteemed quality. Then I got a call from a guy I know, whose kid is looking for an apartment, and would like to rent my cellar. So now in a couple of weeks, the cellar might be finished and let out, it seems. Jolly good. I wrote a new story as well, in fact.

And I got this incredibly weird question;

“What am I to you?”

I think I understood the question, and that my answer was based on a mutual understanding of what the question was about. In any case, it was a question that made me think, and realize things. So weird, and good at the same time.

Oh, and I finally got the last two books of the Penhaligon trilogy by D. J. Heinrich. Which reinds me I should notify the seller on ebay.

Part Two

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I am alone
Always.
Never
Not with you

You came out of nowhere
Straight into my life
Since then you filled my thoughts, my nights
Yes, I feel sorry for you