I’m having a gazillion thoughts racing through my head at the moment. One of them is naming this post “Unconditionally destroyed” or “Unconditionally ripped apart”. At the same time I’d wanna call it “Unconditionally happy” or merely “No conditions”. Basically all these suggestions for titles evolve around the same thoughts and feelings, my unconditional love for a beautiful girl who has ripped me to shreds and still left me feeling happy. And yeah, I know she’ll read this, in fact she is the most active reader of my blog.
So, if I got this right, this is basically what happened;
- She had a boyfriend who hurt her really bad
- In her own words, she came to me for comfort and friendship and then somehow fell in love with me
- I fell in love with her a long time ago and finally thought I had a chance of being with her
- Her ex by now, discovered through the Picasa web gallery that we knew each other, and called her up in the middle of the night to find out what was going on
- She still loves him, and he claims to love her still
- In two days they catch up to where i thought we were at
- When I try to figure out what she wants, she tells me I’ve made her feel really good for a long time, and that I make her feel cherished, loved and special, everything she has ever dreamed of – and that they never stopped loving each other
I kinda feel like I’m the third wheel on this wagon. I mean, obviously she has like a 3 year history with this guy, they’ve met (which we haven’t), he is also a student, she is into his country, they talk on the phone and stuff… with me, I think I’ll always be the guy that picked up the pieces to her, I am really afraid she’ll get back with him and get so hurt by it, and I seriously can’t take being the guy getting dumped every time this other guy suddenly wants her back. Because I know I will love her still, I’ll be there to catch her when she falls. And it makes me hate myself.
She told me she wants to say “yes please” to both of us. I think she doesn’t wanna hurt either of us. And I’m afraid I’m the one pulling the shortest straw on this one. If I were a christian, I’d stop believing in this second – I mean -
God – gimme a fucking break!
And if this is what she needs to be happy, then I am too. When feeling the hurtful feelings about getting dumped, I feel ripped apart, shredded. And then I feel the love I have for her, and the hurtful feelings just fade away…. never disappearing, just forgotten, hidden by the love I have for her. I knew the second she got online and told me he had called her in the middle of the night and waken her up, that I was in a heap of trouble. That night and the next day I felt like crap, right up to the point where I started thinking about me in this. I love her, I loved her when she was with him before, I’ll love her when she is with him again. I’m not sure if I’ll ever love someone else the way I love her. I’ve made my life work in a way before, and I’ll make my life work some way again, with or without her. I know now that I have experienced loving someone unconditionally.
Such a shame I have yet to experience being loved in the same manner.

























