So, sitting on Frankfurt Am Main at Gate E6, waiting for boarding to commence on Cathay Pacifics flight CX288 bound for Hong Kong. Chatting with my friends online, just had a roll with salami, a donut, and now enjoying my coffee. Boarding is getting ready I think, so I should head over there I guess. Will post photos etc to the blog, and update any crazy stuff that happens (if and when any). I am REALLY looking forward to getting into my seat and just sleep!
Archive for
August, 2009
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August 31, 2009 12:43
August 9, 2009 20:39
I tried to find an article that contained the word unconditional on my blog today. I couldn’t. It amazed me, really, because I was quite sure I had put somewhere on my blog how I knew the feeling of unconditional love. And it feels great! However, unconditional love is probably more complicated than I will ever understand, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Lately I’ve been feeling upset with my ex-girlfriend. Actually, to be honest, I’ve been pretty pissed off at her. And to be even more honest, the person I’m pissed off at is myself. I’m pissed at myself for being stupid enough to blame my girlfriend and not accept responsibility for my feelings as of late. Yes, I think I am the one and only who can take responsibility for how I feel. I am, after all, the only one that can do anything about it. And by letting myself feel annoyed, irritated or even angry at my ex-girlfriend when she does, or maybe more importantly doesn’t do something, I keep denying myself happiness. All this will probably seem quite confusing for the one that doesn’t know what is going on in my mind, and I’m totally okay with that. Really. Remember, I write this for myself, no one else. So when I do silly things like refuse to answer her emails, I realize that I am not doing anything productive, rather I am actually being counter-productive. I still want her friendship, very much so in fact – she has been my best friend for years before we became a couple, and losing your best friend just as you are losing your girlfriend, is just plain stupid. At least when you are taking steps to make sure you lose her – or him – yourself.
On the other hand though, it feels like I’m getting ready to let go. I realized today that I’ve been having problems trusting her in our relationship for a long time…. maybe even since the beginning. Maybe I knew this would happen? I’ve had an amazing adventure though, our relationship was like one cut out for the movies. I will always treasure the moments we had. As a French author once wrote;
True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
I found a lot of comfort in that quotation, I guess it means she wasn’t meant for me after all. And if she is, the truth will come to us in the end. Either way, it won’t help for me to go about ruining my days over the breakup anymore.
On a side note, I discovered that my previous post entitled 101 Things I love about her ranks 4th place when you search for the phrase on Google. Why do so few put their love in words like this? Should it be a secret that I love the smile and laughter of my (now ex) girlfriend? I think not! Shame on you, people of the world! No friggin’ wonder there are wars going on all over. The funny thing though, is the way I discovered that this phrase puts me on 4th place – because someone actually searched for that phrase and ended up on my blog! Who they are or where they are from, I do not know – but I find it funny that someone would search for it, and the only list you find that is actually about some person written by someone in love with that person, is mine. Through searching for it though (of course I had to try) I found a website called Day Zero Project. This is a site that encourage people to set goals for themselves, and go out there and do it. One thing for each 10 days (or just about so anyway) for the next 3 years or so. It shouldn’t be so impossible, should it? I’m going to check out this site even more, it had some really cool ideas and pointers, things that I am sure can help a lot of people achieve a greater level of happiness in their lives.
August 7, 2009 00:35
So, it’s been a while. Well, depending on how you look at it I guess, maybe not that long. And still so many things have changed, so many things have happened… I am still trying to cope with it all. About a month ago, my engagement to Ya-Hui was broken off. A couple of weeks later she came to Norway to visit. On the second day she broke up with me, she could not go on as my girlfriend. She stayed for another week, a week where we had such an amazing time together, I managed to trick myself to thinking we were still meant to be. Then she left me, and this time she didn’t look back. I knew it was over.
Since then, I’ve been having a hard time focusing my thoughts. I went to my grandparents’ place for a couple of days. On the way there I managed to drive off the road. Luckily I’m still driving the Mercedes, so I could walk out of the car unharmed. I can’t imagine getting a different kind of car, it’s been amazing when you think of my track record with it, going off the road two times in two years. I think it happened because I was out of focus.
I’ve partied, laughed and cried since I came back. I’ve made new friends, and I managed to send an email that probably ruined the remains of the relationship I had with my best friend in the world. It saddens me to think about what I have done… I have no excuse, I can only explain that it must have been the result of temporary insanity. I’ve been pretty fucked up lately, that’s for sure.
Until today. Today I suddenly found myself in deep conversation with a person I’d never met before. Free, unrestrained conversation. Suddenly all my worries were gone, if only for a little while. I could discuss international politics, and it felt like I could articulate the things I’ve had on my mind for years in a way that made sense, that conveyed what I actually think, uncoloured, unstained from my thoughtless idiocy that appears at times. I was able to learn new things. I found myself intensively listening to my conversational partner, much more so than talking about my own desperations and hurt feelings. My feelings are still there, but as she said to me… they have changed. I think my feelings for Ya-Hui has changed, too. They must have… Although I cannot explain how, why, when. I still love her, but now, somehow, it feels different.
I feel calmer tonight than I have in a long time. I’ve been debating with myself wether or not to contact my ex and try to explain, but I think it will only make matters worse. I think her desicion to cut me off, to exclude me from her life, has been a wise one for both of us. In time, maybe our friendship can be restored. For now, I have decided to enjoy this newfound calmness. I feel happy, able to start living again.
I’ve even started working on my chinese glossary again, imagine that! 
August 4, 2009 01:58
I have to put these words in a song, of which I findsad, the tone
We used to laugh and smile, we even sang childrens’ songs for each other
We used to dream of common grounds, sharing our lives’ plans
Our heart beat as one
Darling, what have we done?
Even in these heavy times my heart and mind wanders
In my sleep we walk happily around together, We overcome all
As I wake up I feel the security and safety of knowing we are fine,
then suddenly your hand slips from mine
Darling, what have we done?
As the sun rises on a brand new day, I realize the clouds are but a mist
With the heat of the sun, I understand that life will go on
In our hearts we hold the power to heal this mellow song
Oh my darling what have we done
My princess, let’s choose life as one
Darling, we know it can be done