So, it’s been a while. Well, depending on how you look at it I guess, maybe not that long. And still so many things have changed, so many things have happened… I am still trying to cope with it all. About a month ago, my engagement to Ya-Hui was broken off. A couple of weeks later she came to Norway to visit. On the second day she broke up with me, she could not go on as my girlfriend. She stayed for another week, a week where we had such an amazing time together, I managed to trick myself to thinking we were still meant to be. Then she left me, and this time she didn’t look back. I knew it was over.

Since then, I’ve been having a hard time focusing my thoughts. I went to my grandparents’ place for a couple of days. On the way there I managed to drive off the road. Luckily I’m still driving the Mercedes, so I could walk out of the car unharmed. I can’t imagine getting a different kind of car, it’s been amazing when you think of my track record with it, going off the road two times in two years. I think it happened because I was out of focus.

I’ve partied, laughed and cried since I came back. I’ve made new friends, and I managed to send an email that probably ruined the remains of the relationship I had with my best friend in the world. It saddens me to think about what I have done… I have no excuse, I can only explain that it must have been the result of temporary insanity. I’ve been pretty fucked up lately, that’s for sure.

Until today. Today I suddenly found myself in deep conversation with a person I’d never met before. Free, unrestrained conversation. Suddenly all my worries were gone, if only for a little while. I could discuss international politics, and it felt like I could articulate the things I’ve had on my mind for years in a way that made sense, that conveyed what I actually think, uncoloured, unstained from my thoughtless idiocy that appears at times. I was able to learn new things. I found myself intensively listening to my conversational partner, much more so than talking about my own desperations and hurt feelings. My feelings are still there, but as she said to me… they have changed. I think my feelings for Ya-Hui has changed, too. They must have… Although I cannot explain how, why, when. I still love her, but now, somehow, it feels different.

I feel calmer tonight than I have in a long time. I’ve been debating with myself wether or not to contact my ex and try to explain, but I think it will only make matters worse. I think her desicion to cut me off, to exclude me from her life, has been a wise one for both of us. In time, maybe our friendship can be restored. For now, I have decided to enjoy this newfound calmness. I feel happy, able to start living again.

I’ve even started working on my chinese glossary again, imagine that! :-)